I thought I’d be vulnerable here for a moment and share a personal post and maybe make this a weekly series for Mondays. What do you think? I guess if I put it in writing, you all are going to have to keep me accountable. If a personal post isn’t what you were hoping for today, please feel free to skip this post! I won’t be offended, and I’d totally understand. The nice thing is, it’s the interwebs, so I wouldn’t even know, if you read it or not. but thank you, if you do decide to.

So here goes. . Welcome to Monday Musings!

The one about: Fear, Resistance & Negative Thinking

A few days ago, I had signed up for this free event that Hey Mama Co was offering in Oakland. I was excited, since most of their events have been in San Francisco and at times/days I’m usually unable to attend (weekends)- or if I am being honest, my excuses get the best of me. But I was going to let go of my excuses and just do it. So, I signed up right away, as spots were limited. And then the negative thinking and dread started creeping in. The couple of days leading up to the actual event - I got uncomfortable, And my subconscious, my mind- kept trying to push these excuses so that I would just cancel and not need to go. No matter how small a fear it can feel mighty. Literally, everyday before the event- a little voice would creep in and say - hey, you could just skip it and sleep in. hey, you should just skip it, there is work to do. hey, you should skip it, people will look at you funny. hey, you shouldn’t do it - you don’t know what you are doing. the kids need you, don’t be selfish.. and most of the time there are no words just this uncomfortable feeling (fear) and all my mind and body wanted to do was to push it away and retreat. LITERALLY, the universe was testing me. I got an email about the event as a reminder and I thought - here’s your chance to email back and say you can’t go - something came up! And then the night before another email saying they can’t wait to meet me at the event. And again, the fear. . . the resistance to something new, different. On the morning of, I woke up - dragged myself out of bed knowing I had to go to this thing and I tried my best to just keep pushing away and ignoring this desire to basically - give up/give in. But I pushed past it and took a shower, put on clothes and yet was thinking, wait - what do you wear to a pilates class if you’ve never been to a pilates class?…shit shit shit..panic sets in and I’m like - I don’t have the right clothes for this! I shouldn’t go! But, I found some black leggings, as I have a bunch that I wear underneath dresses for work and actually a sort of sports bra (have no idea where it came from LOL since I haven’t worked out in like 9 years! - wow that is really sad to have typed) and left. I got to the area at least 25 mins early to look for parking - and I couldn’t find parking! It took several rounds - and my insides were telling me - see, it’s a sign, you shouldn’t go! You can just say you couldn’t find parking…..anyway….Long story short….I made it. I went. I was awkward (but I always feel awkward), no one laughed at me (except myself cause um, the leggings I wore - had patches of worn out material😂) . I introduced myself and did the class. AND I FELT GREAT! Walking out of there I had a pep in my step (although I’m sore today - but still feel good about it). So take that fear + negative thoughts! (although some days - I think it is perfectly ok to do nothing and get self-care that way too..I think it is really hard to determine whether it is fear or a time to rest, pause/reflect as the cause of resistance)

It’s so funny to me that I seem to forget that I’ve felt this way before. That I’ve gone through this before and that once I go through it, I’m fine and I survive and that it wasn’t actually difficult at all and it just seems so silly and minor (but at the time - it isn’t!). But I forget and will probably continue to forget, until I get into the habit of doing these things that become my new normal out of my comfort zone stuff.

I’ve heard that when you are trying to make changes in your self- your subconscious self will fight you on these changes, and it will manifest itself in unexpected and expected ways and have you believe (and they/you sure try to convince you) that it is much more comfortable to go about your day/life the way it always has been - even if that way is miserable and not actually better for you. Like- do you remember when you broke up with an ex and how you finally did get over them and you’re your best self and you go out and BAM guess who's there or better yet, you get a text from them just saying hello - and that they’ve been thinking of you! - I’ve fallen for this trap before…and I would respond and be like - hey yeah, me too and then I’m back in the loop again . . . . . ANYWAYSZZZ- Last year, I made it a point to try and get outside of my comfort zone, And I did, like- I became a co-leader of our local Tuesdays Together group. And I continue to. I want to show up and be visible and do amazing things - even though my awkward introvert self wants to still be hidden and stay quiet and remain a wallflower. but if I want the life that I want and actually enjoy LIFE - I need to continue to push myself past these things. They may seem small to you but socializing, being vulnerable and to show up IRL can be tough sometimes. In high school and for the first year of college for me - I was so shy and would have anxiety and panic attacks whenever I knew I would have to talk in front of the class or was ever asked to answer (I would never raise my hand - even if I knew the right answer!). I remember one time in 8th grade I had to do a presentation and all I could do was laugh uncontrollably for like half the presentation. I think I got through - heck I graduated so I must of but I’ve blocked the rest out of my memory. I don’t have huge panic or anxiety attacks like I did when I was younger - instead I have this negative thinking and internal fight with myself. It’s usually over little things, things I don’t really have to do, but probably should do for myself (again - self care stuff). It was a long time before I really understood the whole - put the oxygen mask on yourself first before your child bit…..but that’s another story.

Anyway - I’ll end this post with a few podcasts that help me with negative thinking, mindset stuff or entrepreneurial/small business stuff (or just stuff I like to listen to from time to time):

Kara Loewentheil | Unf*ck Your Brain - Podcast + Website

Helen Ngo | Live & Earn - Podcast + Website - Episode that got me listening: “The toughest part about being being an entrepreneur”

Being Boss | Podcast + Website

The Moth & How I Built This

I listen to a lot of podcasts - especially when I’m out of shows to watch online while I edit - if you have one I think I should watch or listen - let me know in the comments!! THANK YOU!! (Bonus points for tv shows that don’t require my full attention or reading subtitles - so I can edit!)